Meeting a BDSM Partner

by Aiden Starr

Photo by Ian Rath

In my lifetime, I’ve had lots of play partners.  LOTS.  There is no one single way that I’ve gone about meeting them.  I have, however, always tried to surround myself with like minded people at least at a very close personal level.  That probably contributed to my high degree of success in finding play partners.  I’m also very outgoing and upfront about what I want while still being personable and respectful.  That last part is key.  If I go up to girls that I barely know in a casual context and blurt out “Your tits are fantastic.  I bet your pussy is even better,” they probably will not let me put my fist in them. But, if I make eye contact, have regard for those that are in their immediate proximity and comport myself in an adult manner, I usually get to. For example, when approaching a prospect, I asses their demeanor and if they seem submissive, I make sure they aren’t standing near someone who may be their top.  If I could clearly see that they are owned, I would address the top first to asses the nature of their poly relationship. Only when given the ok, would I start a negotiation with the bottom.

Respect is key.  Respect for people, their time, their limits, their toys, etc.  Being a jerk is not going to get you laid!  It’s easy enough for me to tell you to go to FetLife.com and find a munch and meet people.  That you may already know as I have said it so many times before.  The real art of meeting a partner is the personal interaction once you’ve found yourself among like minded people.  That’s the tricky part.  Anyone can find someone online to play with.  Only the slick will be able to close the deal in the end.  Today we’re going to talk about that as I give you specific examples from my personal experience similar to the one above.  Everyone is different.  Everyone’s experience will be different.  Yours belongs to you.  I can only relate mine in hopes that it offers you help along your own way.

Knowing what I want and directly communicating it is also a large key to my success in acquiring play partners.  By directly communicating it, I do not mean that I walk into a room and demand that everyone get down on their knees and worship me.  Nor do I act that way.  That sort of behavior is not cute, people.  No one likes tops that think that everyone is their bottom.  In a similar vein, just because a person is A submissive does not mean that they are YOUR submissive.  To be worshipped, you must be a person that deserves to be worshipped.  Be educated, be trust worthy, be polite and be eloquent.  If you want to flog someone, learn how to use a flogger first.  Once you’ve talked your way into someone’s bedroom, you should be able to deliver.  Directly communicating also does not mean that I go up to submissives and blurt out “I like to cut people.  Are you into that?”  While that might work some of the time, it’s not very sexy.  BE SEXY!  Enjoy the moment.  Take it slowly.  Flirting is fun.  Talking builds trust.  Getting to know someone before you play with them is so important.  The same rules apply as vanilla dating in this regard.

What’s the best way to be sexy, you ask?  Be happy, I say.  I love a person who is complete and self sustaining.  I’m not very interested in a needy partner.  Not many people are.  The LEAST sexy thing you can be is self-loathing, especially if you are a bottom or submissive.  Before you go in search of someone else, find you.  You cannot be completed by someone else, only enhanced.  I show up at munches or play parties and just hang out for a while and get to know people.  I don’t need to play.  I’m not desperate for a bottom.  I just am.  I like to enjoy myself.  The process is organic.  If I meet someone I’m into, I might ask what kind of play they enjoy.  I might comment on their attire and see where that goes.  I might watch them do a scene and ask how they enjoyed it after they are done.  I like to employ simple, relaxed, friendly conversation as my initial method for gaining trust and beginning negotiation.  It works for top and bottom alike.  I might also just make simple conversation about how cute their fox tail butt plug is (I love those.)  My point here is don’t get so caught up in your own agenda that you forget to enjoy yourself.

I would be amiss if I didn’t mention personal safety concerns when meeting new play partners.  In my opinion, safety is the number one reason to get to know someone before playing with them.  Don’t let your drive to experience play influence who you play with.  Use your head.  If a top or bottom seems sketchy, move on.  Don’t play with someone who won’t have a conversation with you first.  They are most likely a creep.  Learn to say “no, thank you.”  Playing in public is generally safer than playing in private.  If that’s not for you, at least have your initial meeting be in a public place.  I’d hang out with people several times before I played with them, if I were new and didn’t know many people.  Being prudent will keep you safer.  The BDSM community is there for your safety and education.  Become part of your local community and enjoy the interaction.  It’s about more than just getting off.  Expanding your sexuality can include the benefit of finding like minded people that can become your closest friends.  How do you meet a play partner, you ask?  Make friends.